she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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