If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
