i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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