coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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