Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
