I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
