I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
