Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
