apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Send help, water and tortillas.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
