I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
