Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
