you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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