you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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