I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize