her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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