i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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