sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just pee around me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
