Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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