I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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