I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
