Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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