Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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