my phone needs a breathalizer
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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