somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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