I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
