you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
