im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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