I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
