I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
