Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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