like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
