My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
