Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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