I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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