you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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