I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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