I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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