First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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