i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
