i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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