Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
