I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Houston, we have a squirter
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
