someone owes me an orgasm
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
