I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
