Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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