Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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