I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
