Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
