I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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