Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
