You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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