chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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