my phone needs a breathalizer
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
