the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
