so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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