if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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