remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
