toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
