Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
