First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
