So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
