My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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