Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
