Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
