roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
