yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
